It's March and it's sweet potato queen time again and I have to admit: I've never gotten it.
The ladies have given their all for over twenty years now and I've seen the parade and read the books and I'm really happy for them and their followers, but I look at it and it's just like "what the fuck...?"
Little girls start out with pig-tails and tea parties but when they turn forty it's fake boobs, wigs, fake eyelashes and fake bondage wear on parade in Jackson. They'll even fly from Guam and Australia and Puerto Rico to Jackson Mississippi to do all this. Why?
Part of it is a simple process of elimination I guess. In Rio, to get in the parade you have to look good in a rhinestone G-string and know how to mambo, In New Orleans you have to be a sixth generation resident and put up thousands of dollars to get in the parade, in Jackson, you just have to show up with a t-shirt and a wig and you're in. Yes, it's true, we get all the people in the world who couldn't get in the parade anywhere else.
I should be grateful I guess. When men write books on how to be an asshole, it becomes a full-time philosophy and they end up with a show on Fox News. For the sweet potato queens it's a once a year deal, and most of them carry out their assholery in Jackson so they spare the folks back home. Plus, it's the only really successful tourist event in the whole state so I probably shouldn't look a gift-horse in the mouth.
I worry that people think we're like this all the time though, sort of like the Japanese tourist who throws beads at women in New Orleans hoping they'll show their tits in November. For the record, this is not how we act all year. It's not even how the sweet potato queens themselves act all year. Most of them you'd never recognize out of costume.
I guess the answer is that men are from Mars, but some women are secretly from Uranus.